I doubted God

Many times I have found that doubting God is the more comfortable option, especially when trusting Him seems to be too much work!

Psalm 42:5 “Why, my soul, are you downcast? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God.” (NIV)

The wait had become unbearable.

I could not take it any more.

Tongues were wagging,

And there were whispers behind my back!

“Why doesn’t she…?”

“What is she waiting for…?”

I just couldn’t handle it,

So I took matters into my own hands.

I doubted God.

 

Because I could not wait any longer for Him.

The promises of God kept ringing in my mind,

“I will never leave you; I will never forsake you.”

“I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.”

I could hear them so clearly,

Running back and forth within my thoughts.

But because things were different where I was,

I doubted God.

I could not understand why His promises

Would not match his actions.

 

With doubt came a wave of unbelief.

I stopped trusting in God.

I could not understand how such a powerful God,

Would be so silent when I needed Him the most.

I had sought Him faithfully,

And served Him with all my heart.

But still, nothing happened.

I doubted God,

Because He chose not to work things out,

When I asked Him to,

When I needed Him the most,

And when I wanted Him to.

 

How I loved being in that space of doubting God.

I did everything my way,

Without having to worry about praying,

Without bothering to asking for direction.

Life was blissful,

Until it began to crumble at the core.

Deep down I knew that I needed God,

And that I would have to start trusting Him.

But I didn’t want to go down that path of disappointment again,

So I doubted God.

 

He spoke.

Did you hear that?

Oh yes! He spoke!

I heard His voice in the wind.

I saw His words in the skies above.

He spoke.

And I felt faith begin to grow inside me,

As the doubts that filled my mind,

Were overshadowed by love.

 

Love, you say? How are love and doubt connected?

Out of love, the Lord sought me out,

And reminded me that He loved me.

He gently brought me back to His side,

Showing me where I could find Him.

I doubted Him because I could not see Him,

And I could not understand what He was doing in my life.

But as He drew me close,

I found myself begin to trust Him again.

My doubts were gone,

And my faith grew.

 

I’ll admit it.

I have doubted God not once,

Not twice,

But several times.

And each time, He has drawn me back to a place of trust.

How merciful our Lord is,

Not letting us stay on the outside,

Drifting along aimlessly.

He draws us back to Himself,

So that we can find refuge in the safest place there is on earth,

In His presence.

 

Yes, I doubted God.

But because He loves me,

He sought me out,

And reminded me that I can still hope in Him,

And trust Him.

 

Psalm 42:11 “Why, my soul, are you downcast? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God.” (NIV)