Drawing closer without poking each other…
The two porcupines looked at each other with love in their eyes, as they drew each other into a loving embrace. Their quills lay flat as they hugged, carefully making sure that the quills stayed down. As they began to talk, one porcupine made an innocent remark, and suddenly the other porcupine’s quills went into battle mode. You know the rest…
The husband got home later than usual that day. He had not intended to be late, because he knew that his wife was still getting used to being in the house alone and figuring out how to get around the new town. He opened the door eagerly, hoping to receive a warm welcome after a long day at work. She walked quickly to him, embraced him, and then asked the question that had been lingering on her lips all evening. “Why are you late? Did you forget that I am all alone in the house?” “What a welcome,” he thought to himself, “I had better defend myself.” The quills went up, and the evening was ruined.
This was just one of many ruined evenings that the couple went through in the first few months of their marriage. It was frustrating. They both desperately wanted to get closer, but every time they made an effort, one of them did or said the wrong thing, and the quills went into defense mode.
It takes a while to get to the point where a couple can enjoy each other and draw close to one another without getting into defense mode. Let me share a few tips on how to get through this phase.
Learn to listen
Yes, learn to listen. At this point, both of you are still getting used to the idea of being married, and you have brought all kinds of things into the marriage. If you listen to one another, you will get to know things about the other person that will help you understand them better. In the previous scenario, if the wife had given the husband a little time to relax before she asked her question, he would probably have explained why he was late and even apologized. They would then be in a better place to share how their days were, and eventually, the wife would have felt understood and appreciated.
Listening goes beyond spoken words. There is body language to consider. Moods. Seemingly irrelevant statements indicating how a person is really feeling. Silence. Wanting to be alone. And many, many more instances where we should be listening and paying attention but we are too self-absorbed to hear anything. What is that message that your spouse is trying to convey to you? What do you hear when you are having a chat? Are you genuinely interested in what your spouse is saying?
Focus on the bigger picture
It’s not all about you. You are a small piece of the bigger picture. It’s about you as a couple, and what God wants you to achieve in your marriage. Once you realize this, you will work hard to build your marriage into one that glorifies God and accomplishes His purposes.
Many people get married because they believe they can get something out of it, e.g. companionship, love, children. Many forget that they are also supposed to give, i.e. to minister to the other person. Let me put this to you bluntly – the biggest enemy of the bigger picture within marriage is YOU! If you focus on fulfilling your needs, you will never be happy because you will constantly be putting pressure on your spouse to meet those needs, something he or she cannot do. Also, God brings people together in marriage for a purpose, and we all know that His purposes are not just for the now – they also point towards eternity.
So how do we focus on the bigger picture within marriage? We ask God what His plan for our marriage is, and how He wants to use our marriage for His glory. When you know what He wants you to do, there will be no time to pick on each other because you will be working together towards a common goal.
Focus on the One who brought you together
God brought you together. He knew why He brought you from different homes, backgrounds, and families to make a new family. It was not a random decision. God knew what He was doing.
There will be times when you wonder who this person is in your house. You will want your spouse to vanish into thin air so you can look for someone else. You will fight. You will disagree and say things that you regret later. All this happens when you focus on one another – your faults, mistakes, background, etc., rather than focusing on God.
From experience, I would say that focusing on the Lord during those times when you want to get close but you keep pushing each other away helps me stick to the path and not give up. Remembering His promises, studying His word, and surrendering to Him makes all the difference. Also, having the confidence that God instituted your marriage relationship firmly implanted at the back of your mind will keep you on the straight path. Marriage is all about God – it is not a separate entity where He pops in once in a while to see that all is going well. He is constantly there. He is present. We just need to focus on Him when things get crazy and let Him take control.
Are you ready to try that embrace one more time? Are you going to listen to each other? Are you going to remember that your marriage is part of a bigger picture? Are you going to focus on the Lord who graciously brought you together? Are you going to keep your quills down? Let me know in the comments section!